Day 5

Yes you read the title right. Yes I never posted a day 4. I started this page with the intentions of being fully honest and sharing all of my experiences bad and good so those of you who read this can see exactly what I endured on the way to my goals. In saying that yesterday was by all standards a failure and I have to share. I had (for lack of better terms) a relapse yesterday. I cheated on my diet and I failed goal number 2. I ate an entire pizza to myself then proceed to eat chocolate and candy and masturbated twice. During and immediately following the incidents I felt immense guilt and regret. These feelings amplified as I kept think about how I let myself down, how I let my readers down (if I ever get any), and how I let my team down. I couldn’t even stand to show my face on this blog knowing what I had done. I got no work of any kind done yesterday besides the fact that I woke up on time and went to the gym in the morning. That guilt and shame carried over to this morning when I completed my normal morning routine to get back on track and then ended up masturbating again. I knew I would get caught in a cycle if I didn’t just get started and get back on track. Before getting on to write this I kept thinking in my mind “how can I get back into it”. The question from the outside seems so simple but my mind wanted me to sit and stay stagnant all the while giving me this overwhelming sense that what I needed to accomplish today was too much and I should wait till tomorrow. Thankfully more sane thoughts persisted. Right before I started typing this I was furious, and I took that out on the team mates I had with me while I was playing video games. My rational mind now knows I wasn’t mad at them, I was intensely mad at myself for not living at my edge, and not adhering to my purpose in life. I am going to take this set back the only way I know how. I will break down my thoughts and emotions leading up to the point where I lost it so I can analyze the pattern and know what is coming before it is too late.

Starting from the beginning, I had just gotten back from the gym, went to the grocery store with my friends, and then helped then finish a puzzle. Right before I went to help them finish the puzzle I was feeling more hungry than usual. This might mean that subconsciously my mind sensed the discomfort and was looking for an opportunity to put myself back in a place of comfort. When I got back I sat down and had the conscious thought in my head that I wanted to masturbate and that if I didn’t get to work I would lose it. I couldn’t bring myself to work so I lost it. After that one session I felt immediate and extreme discomfort so like the old habits I had developed I went and bought a pizza with candy to fill this discomfort. Then after eating I felt even worse and masturbated again. A vicious cycle. One I can’t afford to repeat. Those negative emotions carried to the next day and resulted in me masturbating again. I believe the only reason I didn’t break my diet again today was because my mind remembers the intense pain it put me in last night to eat the way I did. What I gathered from this experience is to make sure I eat my meals on time so I don’t get too hungry and that I have to keep working. Idle hands are truly the devil’s play pen.

TODAY’S WORK

Like I said I did my normal wake up routine and went to the gym and all. As far as wake up it appears my mind and body now know that when the alarm goes off it’s time to get up and you have to get up right now. I won’t be cataloging my workout today. If I am being completely honest I still feel mild levels of depression from what has happened. This is my start at getting myself back on track. I don’t plan on getting much work done today. Just posting this blog, eating my proper diet, and coming back in tomorrow feeling stronger. This is going to be harder than I thought.

Published by manwithoutafather

I am just a man who wants to live a better life.

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